Death. HSP Style
From a young age, wanting to die has played a significant role in my life. I don’t know where or how it came about, but I get these overwhelming feelings of wanting to die. I’ve never acted on them and it’s not even about “suicide”. It’s hard to explain, but it’s more about the death part. I used to be worried that I was bipolar because I swing from light to dark so easily, so deeply. Feeling everything so intensely. I was always ashamed of these thoughts and feelings. Did anyone else feel this way? Why can’t I just be happy about what I have? Why am I SO sensitive?
After my mysterious illness hit me in 2009, I turned to google and discovered the genetic trait of high sensitivity. 20% of the population “process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their nervous systems“. Say, WHAT?! Digging further, I found Ane Axford of sensitive + thriving and so many of my questions were answered. My life has never been the same since and I am so grateful she is in my life. In her program, Sensitive Leadership, she introduced a new idea about highly sensitive people and how they relate to death: A transformation is a change. A part of you IS dying.
My wanting to die was real. And, now whenever I get that feeling I know it is a rebirth. Instead of guilt and shame, I let myself fully experience the feeling. Instead of fighting it, I let myself have it. Emotionally, of course. It may feel like the end of the world. And the only thing I can do is watch a lame, fluffy TV show. Eh em… 90210. But, after I have gone through the process, I am different. I have a new sense of clarity. A part of me has died and a new one takes its place.
Do you have a friend who may be highly sensitive? This rebirth concept changed my life in a profound way. Send them this post and you might change their life too.
I’m really glad you wrote about this, Christina. It’s something that I’ve been experiencing since actively cultivating a sensitivity (my intention was to be more embodied, and higher sensitivity comes with). Before then, if I did have death feelings, I didn’t know it.
A friend of mine talks about his suicidal thoughts as being indicators that something in him wants to die. He’s one of the most alive people I know. I think we’re supposed to allow this cycle to happen so we can be in the present, without too much old stuff weighing us down. When I think about it, it’s quite a beautiful, organic system.
Most recently, my suicidal thoughts happened because I was heading way too far off my true self path, and that pain prompted me to let die the beliefs and energetic debris that made me want to do that to myself. I feel so much more grounded in who I am and what I want as a result.
Lots of love & appreciation for what you’re creating here.
xxx
Oh my god, Christina! You’ve just put words to something I’ve felt but haven’t been able to fully grasp or describe. Your words came at the exact right time. Thank you, Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing your heart with us, Christina. Beautiful.
Christina…..reading this for about the tenth time…makes me think about my son …..lives on the edge very recklessly…always says he wants to die…with your permission I would like to forward this to him…maybe it would help him….Thank you love reading your page…Cousin loretta