How The Lottery Saved My Life

There was a very dark period of my life where I hardly trusted anything. I definitely did not trust in the world. It felt so unfair. I didn’t understand how I had gotten to this place in my life.

For as long as I can remember, music made me feel something that nothing else could. I became a singer and devoted my life to my passion. I had always said without music, I would be dead.

Then, I found myself with a mysterious illness and it became extremely painful to sing or speak – among other strange symptoms. Music was always there for me. And then, all of the sudden. It was gone.

I’m stubborn. I don’t give up easily, so I went to all sorts of doctors and specialists. But, this is the answer they kept giving me: “You’re healthy. You shouldn’t be feeling this. Why don’t you try going to __(some other specialist)__.”

Nothing was working. I only had more and more questions. I couldn’t understand why this had happened. Or what to do about it. No one else knew either.

I felt hopeless
Lost

I tried to imagine life without music.
But, I couldn’t.

Dreams seemed impossible
And useless

I felt hatred towards wants and desires.

I secretly wished I just wouldn’t wake up.

Then, one day, I played the lottery.

I had this feeling that I just had to play.

While it didn’t change my life in the way that I originally hoped for,
The lottery saved my life.

After purchasing my $1 ticket,
I felt a minuscule glimmer of hope.

I continued to play. Not because I expected to win, but because I was beginning to feel like there were possibilities again.
Someone, somewhere had, in fact, won.

I started a lottery dream notebook. I would decorate one page per ticket with colored pens and paper.
Handwriting in my dreams. Across and up and down the sides, filling the page with the furthest dreams I could think of.

I thought about what I’d do with the money.
Who I’d share it with.
What would it allow me to do?

Then, I began looking at what I was writing and seeing that in smaller ways, I could already do them.
And, so I did.

—–

That was just the beginning.
I still can’t sing – although I’ve gotten a lot better.
And, I still have a long way to go.

But, now I am grateful
For everything I’ve been through since.
All that I’ve learned about life
And, myself.

My body forced me to stop.
It knew I had other things to experience.

What would you do if you could do anything?