Defining the undefinable.
There is something instinctive in me that resists definition.
Trying to define myself physically hurts.
Nugget-sized language of who I am or what I do never conveys it fully. I know it’s not meant to be the full-sized version (that’s why it’s just an intro), but I can’t get over how it feels like my soul is screaming when I squeeze myself into such tiny proportions.
I’ve tried and tried … and tried. Countless exercises and even hiring of other professionals to help me find the words. Yet, I’m still at war with wtf is my “title” and loathe the “What do you do?” question.
Please, no more of those formula scripts where all you have to do is just pop in a few words and boom you have a statement ready to go. GAH! They drive me bonkers!!!
And, I know I’m not the only one. More and more, I’m having conversations with others who are struggling with this same conflict. One of my friends is even an amazing marketing professional, a wizard with words, and she shared with me her own turmoil with classification!
Folks. Something is very backwards here.
Throughout most of our history as humans, our options and resources have been limited. We didn’t have many choices and the ones we had were much more simple. Nowadays, we have an abundance of possibilities. As an example, merely a few decades ago it was a privilege to have one TV station and now there are thousands of channels.
Our world is continually expanding with options where we can choose how we would like to live in this life.
It expands even further when looking at: “Who is choosing how we live?” “How is it being chosen?” and “Why is that the choice being made?”
I believe who we are is a mixture of those choices, our perspective, and methods for choosing. This makes for a LOT of nuance and complexity. Which means the more you choose your own assortment, your own path, the harder it becomes to express something that has never existed in this way before.
Not to mention if you live in growth where just as soon as you find words for this moment, it’s already shifted in the next moment.
No wonder it feels so oppositional to articulate all of this in a bite-sized introduction!
On the flip side…
We are literally machines built for filtering. Our brains, our nervous systems, and beyond. There is so much information. We have a very real need to categorize and identify in order to understand and communicate.
As much as I feel labels are limiting, we have to be able to reference something and have a word(s) to know what is being referenced.
My all-time favorite word is “thing”. It conveys so much with so little. Yet, I can’t be going around saying, “Hey, can I have that thing so I can put it on my thing to go with the other thing?” (Btw, I’ve tried this and they had no idea what I was talking about!)
As much as it pains me to admit, we actually need definitions.
I’d LOVE to communicate in a simple and straight-forward way, but being defined still makes me want to vomit.
What’s the real issue?
Think about your best friend.
You may or may not remember how they introduced themselves to you. But at this point, it becomes irrelevant.
Instead of a “definition” you have an “experience” of them.
You may use words, but because your experience runs deep, the exact words don’t matter as much.
For me, it’s mostly in the introduction where I feel the conflict.
Someone who doesn’t yet have the depth of experience and is solely forming an impression of me based on the words I choose.
Talk about pressure!
There are no combination of words I could use to introduce myself that would make sense to anyone and everyone. And, I’ve long given up the responsibility to be understandable to every person I meet. This is why whenever I’m introducing myself, I like to ask myself first, “who do I want to reach?”
I’ve also noticed the conflict if someone becomes attached to an identity and there is no space for flexibility. Something along the lines of: “This is who you are, who I know you to be. And anything that diverges from what I know feels threatening.”
This is the curse of expectation!
And, super secret… it’s probably actually about THEM. But, that’s a whole other post for another time.
So, I’d pinpoint the most resistance being in those initial words.
Whether in person or in writing, an introduction is a proclamation of this is who I am and the words I choose will color how you see me henceforth.
Perhaps I’m putting too much pressure on a few intro words.
But to me, I have felt so misunderstood and unseen for the majority of my life from the majority of people, that yes, it actually matters significantly!
It’s the difference between connecting vs. not connecting.
I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling disconnected and I made it through alive, but untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide. And one of the main causes of depression is social isolation. In severe cases, literally an introduction can influence life or death.
I have incredible people in my life now, so I’m not personally as affected in the same severity, but the introduction process still has a resonance of significance.
And even if no one else was involved, I would love to have the ability to express my truth in its essence.
I believe the digging, revealing, and sharing of our inner most truth is a journey we are on throughout our entire lives. THAT is why it’s so difficult to define. It’s not a fixed state, but a dynamic, living, breathing adventure.
Still, it’s a requirement to have SOMETHING to say. Especially if our work / personal lives are non-typical and don’t follow the standard definitions, it can feel like a monumental endeavor to clarify what that something to say could be.
You up for an interactive experiment?
This week, let’s try out something a little different.
The thing is, I don’t have the answer.
And, I’m not even sure that there is an answer – definitely not “the answer.”
Instead! I know there are some crazy awesome quirksters here, like yourself (*wink wink*), who probably have diverse and interesting insights to share on this topic of feeling undefinable. Yes??
What magic might happen if we co-mingled in the comments?
Feel free to jam on some ideas, or respond to something, and if you’d like, here are some questions to get us started:
–> Do you feel undefinable? And, why or why not?
–> What language do you use to introduce yourself? And, how did you discover those words?
Scroll down to join us in the comments!
I tell people that I write on topics that concern “acting on your own behalf”. That pretty well encompasses anything and everything !
I agree Christina that definitions and labeling can be difficult. I’m not all that sensitive to what other people decide to think as I figure that is their narrower perspective. I don’t strive to change it. I may do it more naturally just by talking and through actions with the hope they understand better.
Words can sometimes be miraculous little packages which hold perfectly clear meanings in them. Other times, words can be terribly inefficient vessels which try (and fail) to accurately convey meaning. Why? Because life doesn’t live within the confines of language. Words are merely symbols which represent meaning. Sometimes it works nicely, like in the case of “slinky” and “clarinet” and “knee”. But for more multifaceted concepts packaged in a word, this doesn’t work well. For example, “I ate a sandwich”….you need to throw 4 adjectives before it to actually put an image in someone’s brain. “I ate a Southwestern Barbecue Chicken Sandwich on White Flatbread”…ok, now I got it. Also, for potentially simple, but very different concepts that share the same word as a descriptor, this also leaves something to be desired. For example, “I love Mary”. Well there are about 8,943 kinds of love. So that doesn’t tell me very much. Is Mary your sister? Your dog? Your wife? Your motorcycle? There is a good chance that “love” is the word that does the worst job conveying meaning. Oftentimes, it can’t be made clear with a few adjectives like the sandwich. It might need an entire backstory to be accurately understood.
So what’s my point? When it comes to describing myself to someone that doesn’t know me, I find it impossible to do in any kind of way that’s both accurate AND brief. Humans are complex and beautiful. We are so full of diverse miraculosity (screw you, spell check, I’m telling you it’s a word!) that we can’t come close to describing ourselves in one, five, or five thousand words. So we have a few options in this situation. We can try to hit the main points. My name is Joe from Massachusetts. I work in Finance. I’m divorced and have a wonderful daughter and a Golden Retriever named Ralph. Those things aren’t lies (well, except the dog part). They DO convey meaning. But it’s the tip of the iceberg. A coloring book image that hasn’t been colored yet. Not even that. A coloring book image printed from a printer low on ink so you only get a hint of the outline. There are certain situations where this is practical. Going around in a circle when you’re in a training for work and you just want to get to the material (or lunch break). It all depends on the situation and who you’re talking to. There are a million options for how you package yourself.
Take this example right here. I’m speaking to Christina and the Quirksters. I want you to know ME. Not things ABOUT me. So how do I do that briefly? Here we go….
I’m a deep, passionate, thoughtful, sensitive, silly, carefree, introspective, musical, introverted, brave, eccentric, athletic, imperfect man. Think that 13 adjectives is obnoxious or unnecessary? Fine, hold on, I’ll add a few more. Loyal, empathetic, indecisive, diverse, curious, and positive. Insert these six additional adjectives into the original sentence and I have a sentence of 23 words to describe myself. Compare that to my earlier description (with the fictitious dog named Ralph). The first description was also exactly 23 words. However anyone who reads the two descriptions clearly knows ME more from the description with all the adjectives. And you know what? Even that doesn’t even begin to tell the story of who I am. I could throw another 100 adjectives out there and it still wouldn’t be enough. Not because I’m overly complicated or love to talk about myself. But we’re talking about describing who we are.
I find introducing myself to be pretty impossible. And the more I care about the task of introducing myself, the more frustrated I am by it. Like if I have a romantic interest in someone. I hate talking to them. Because I want to show them who I am in as few words as possible, and I want it to sound genuine but not rehearsed. And I want it to sound cool. But not TOO cool, since I’m a Quirkster, not Brad Pitt. And I don’t want to be. So how do I do that? Honestly? I have no idea. After writing a novel in this comment section, it all comes down to this….I have no clue the best way to package myself when introducing myself to someone I actually want to know ME. And you know what? I’m ok with that. Making fast first impressions isn’t something I want to focus on, and I don’t look for that in others. Because a fast impression will never be an accurate representation of who a person is. That takes TIME. The thing nobody has time for. But is so important. People expect a snapshot. Go away, expectations! And take assumptions with you! Be gone!
If you want me to know you, don’t give me a snapshot. Give me your truth.
–> Do you feel undefinable? And, why or why not?
I sometimes feel this way, more so when I was younger. I used to be very lost and overwhelmed in the chaos of all the labels swirling about. I think my parameters were tighter back then, more so because I wasn’t aware of just how complex and nuanced people could be. I didn’t quite realize it was okay and awesome to “be me”. :) As I grow older and started expressing more of what is genuinely me, more people responded positively and as that happens, I also become more authentic. I find it hard to really lump myself into categories more because I feel presumptive and timid….not because I feel like I’m a super amazing complex person. But that’s my own shot-to-hell self-confidence speaking.
I do hate trying to describe myself in a set number of sentences or words. It’s extremely difficult, but at the same time, I believe there is an art to distillation. I believe that just because we might be comprised of thousands of adjectives doesn’t mean we need to rattle all of them off to convey who we are at our core. At the same time, I don’t believe there are ONLY 16 personality types (or whatever # you use for whatever personality theory you go by) or ONLY 12 Lunar calendar zodiacs or ONLY whatever however many horoscopes there are…we are a multitude of diverse people on this earth.
–> What language do you use to introduce yourself? And, how did you discover those words?
I prefer to use sentences that describe action. I used to try to go by adjectives but I do feel that almost limits me a little more than using sentences. I prefer to describe myself like a character in a novel, as it leaves it a little more open for connection, for relationship, for bridging a gap (or widening a gap). As I write this, I believe that by trying to only give a certain few adjectives/descriptors, I begin to create the walls that keep people out or keep people in. Perhaps someone might hear a list such as: enthusiastic, introverted, active, procrastinator, articulate, lazy, self-aware, sleep-deprived and begin to create their own immediate opinion. They may hear that I procrastinate and cast judgement. They may automatically assume I’m articulate and will be articulate in EVERY format of communication, which is untrue. They may hear that I am active and immediately lump me into the gym fanatics, which I am nowhere close to as I do martial arts and stay active that way. As a character, people hopefully understand there is a deeper person to discover beneath the summarized version I just enunciated for them.
Christina, here is your new introduction, subject to your thoughts: “Hi, I’m Christina and I am delightful. References available on request.”
I was at the MoMA at a panel discussion a few weeks back. Very Important People with Very Important Titles that started with “Head, Lead, Senior” from Very Important Places like MIT, The New York Times and Google asked…well, kind of softball questions.
When the mic got to me, I said, “I’m Nick, I’m just an Accountant” it got laughs from the audience. Then I asked the best question of the night.
If someone asks for a definition, I’ll just tell them I’m an Accountant. It’s true, that is what I do for a living, and it’s such a boring misunderstood thing that people usually find another line of questioning…or are simply befuddled by it. What would an Accountant be doing in this interesting place with these interesting people doing something insanely cool and interesting? What am I hiding? What is a more interesting question to ask?
I totally understand how hard it is to define myself, I totally feel that pain. Now…I have something to offer the people who simply need that context, that box to put me in and file me on their shelf. The cool thing is that I have a little secret way of finding those who might be interested in knowing a bit more, and they usually tell me who they are without even realizing it.
my tagline is currently: the discerning flexibily that brings web dev results-oriented momentum
is undefinable the same as confusion/ lack of clarity?.. perhaps “who knows what I’ll end up as” “I don’t wanna define myself and constrict who I seek to become” does my current definition encompass all i wanna accomplish? (internally/ in terms of expressing/ giving)
If i wanna be someone who makes others “feel” a certain way when they’re with me (their interactions are an experience) can i/ should i define that with a title?
I’m gonna rework my tag when i’m a better “coder” i believe at that point i can say I bring insight/ expertise too
this combination of words is from Sally Hogshead and the How to Fascinate
I believe i can switch out the web dev part and discerning flexibility still fits as does results oriented momentum (sorta) it’s like i have an internal urgency and attachment to being the standard bearer as well as exceeding expectations with results every time… Insights/ ideas too I wanna be the one who has their finger on the pulse of trends and what’s coming–navigating with my astute insights.
I loved this post and just getting around to commenting on it. I love how your words and observations, and those in the Comments, fly in the face of the common wisdom of the “elevator introduction”. Which i’ve always felt inadequate around. I landed on “Voice Coach” for my offerings because it is recognizable for folks and actually can mean a lot of different things depending on context, but it doesn’t feel quite right either. Other words: witness, designated listener, vocal shamanic journey-er. . . who knows. But thanks for your thoughtful article.
[…] Basically, it is a discussion on descriptors of oneself. How would YOU introduce yourself to a others, to new people? Some people say they are more than JUST the words they use, that no amount of words could really cover the essence of who they are. Some people say it’s easier to label oneself because we have identifiers. One comment suggested an defining oneself like the above – which I think is distillation and vagueness at its finest, but that’s my opinion. It is available for your reading pleasure right here: https://www.livingquirky.com/undefinable/! […]
First of all, I love this post. I am constantly questioned for all of my deep dabbling in different endeavors – clothing design, photography, drawing, painting, writing music. To me, it’s all connected. To everyone else, it looks like I can’t commit. I just love it all. I LOVE TO LEARN! It’s exhilarating!
I am working on fitting my different endeavors into boxes, so they will be more understandable (and marketable) to the outside world. But they still feed off of each other in my mind.
I decided in my teens that I was undefinable after years of interrogating myself to nail down an Identity. Really, I gave it up as a lost cause. I like too many things to nail down a passion and I like to surprise people too much to settle for an identity. With that being said as I am now in my early twenties I did notice that around 19-20 my “self” settled and I actually feel like have a outline of an identity – more like pillars or my values became more entrenched. I think that probably had something to do with brain development (in my almost completely uneducated opinion).
[…] wrote a lengthy letter about feeling undefinable. This is still oh so true. However, I’ve been playing with an alternate variation of talking […]